If Only They Knew

Hey folks.  I haven't been too busy as of late, but that will change starting next week when the Spring 2013 semester officially starts.  I know, very exciting, right?  While I may not be jumping for joy for the Christmas break to be ending, I am ready to get a little busy by getting my mind off of my situation a little bit.  I've been doing a ton of thinking, some good and some bad, over the holiday, and I continue to pray every day for God to give me the courage to come out to somebody, anybody.  My life is going to change drastically when that moment comes, and while I weigh the positives and the negatives, at times I fantasize about what my life would be like once I gain my personal freedom that I've longed for my entire life.  I think (and hope) that my life will improve greatly, and I long for personal opportunities that millions of people take for granted every day without even thinking about it.

  I am a little nervous as to how those I am not really close to will react when I come out, but I'm flat out terrified by how my family will react.  The patriarchs in my family are extremely anti-gay, so much so that it seems like a day can't go by without either my dad or grandpa using the word "faggot" in some capacity.  And, it's not like they're using it in a joking manner.  They usually use terms like that when they see something on TV even remotely related to homosexuality, whether that's a news story about gay marriage, or simply a man who fits any gay stereotype.  I stay quiet, though I'm often encouraged to partake in their rants, and I feel like a coward by keeping my silence.  It tears me up inside every time they behave like they do.  It pushes me that much more into the closet, when I'm trying my best to push through that concrete door.

 I often wonder if their perspectives would change if they knew that I was gay, but to be entirely honest, I don't think they would.  Their bigoted and flat out hateful beliefs are part of our culture down here.  Hell, their stances are even embraced and encouraged by many of the churches.  It's not unusual to hear regular people preaching about gays burning in hell for their unforgivable sins, and as I just mentioned, that is just the way it is throughout much of the South.  Another fact of life down here in Texas is strongly socially conservative ideologies.  I've always considered myself a Republican, but as I get older, I'm finding that I am more progressive than I want to acknowledge.  Don't get me wrong, I'm far from being a far left liberal, but I hold many beliefs that stray from what many far right conservatives believe.  I'm probably smack dab in the middle on the ideology scale, but societal pressure and indoctrination make me believe that there is something wrong with disagreeing with what is believed by most where I come from.  The point attempted to be made is that cultural pressure really shapes who you are throughout much of the American South, with individuals having little to no choice in what they believe.

Bigotry and ignorance is hammered into your head at a young age, and that is part of the reason why I hated myself for much of my life.  That is why I continue to struggle on a daily basis, torturing myself needlessly, simply because I know the ridicule and potential rejection I will face once I reveal my reality.  You know, much of the time I feel like a fucking middle aged man, when I'm a twenty-three year old guy who should be having the time of his life.  But, that's not the case.  I continue to rot in stagnation, and there are times when I believe my situation will never get better.

 And then I think to myself: If only they knew how I feel all the time.  If they spent a day in my shoes, even an hour in my skin, perhaps then they would understand a little more.  Maybe then some of that ignorance would be washed away.  Maybe they would finally understand why I am so cold and distant much of the time, feeling uncomfortable around people I know hate who I secretly am.  How am I supposed to put on a fake smile and act like my life is all peaches and cream?  I just can't force myself to do it, no matter how hard I try.  I've been through too much hell to enjoy life, even when I want to.  I'm drowning in self pity, which kills me to admit, but that is another reality of mine.  I hate to admit that I feel sorry for myself, but I do.  And, I want that to change.  I see that change as being the key that opens the door to my life.

 Who am I kidding?  I don't have a life right now, and haven't had one for a long time.  I'm an expert at walking on eggshells, and my so-called life ticks away second by second without me living it.  I'm exhausted.  I don't know what to do anymore.  What is the answer to my problem?  I keep on waiting for the "right moment."  I continue to wait for some bright light to shine down on me and give me the answer to fixing my problems.  I hear people say you will know when the time is right, but that hasn't happened yet, and I can't wait until I'm fucking seventy years old when something finally clicks in my head, letting me know that it's okay to be me.

 Why am I such a fucking coward?  Why can't I grow a set and say to hell with everybody else, it's time to focus on me?  I have so many questions flowing through my head on a never ending basis, with not a single answer to relieve the sea of confusion.  I want my independence so badly, and I just want to be myself for the first time ever.  Is that too much to ask?  Only God knows, I suppose, and I beg him to give me the strength, to push me on the right track, and to help me with the million dollar questions that plague me every day.