So, over the last several days I've been getting the itch, so to speak, to tell somebody about me being gay. I'm just tired of living through such bullshit each and every day. But, I have not had the courage to live up to my New Year's resolution yet, though I'm definitely thinking and working on it. I've contemplated simply changing my Facebook status as being interested in men as opposed to being left blank, which is what it is currently set at. I've also thought about telling certain family members who I think would be most understanding either through email or Facebook, but I just can't hit that send button once the message is composed. I've even thought about dropping subtle hints to try and get somebody, hell anybody, to ask what's going on, but I just can't force myself to do it.
School has helped me in not thinking about my current situation all the time, but sometimes I wonder if that's any healthier than constantly having it on my mind. I know that being in the closet is taking a very heavy toll on me, but at the same time I do not want to simply brush aside my issue (like I have my whole life) and act like everything is okay. Because it's not. I've always been a problem solver, and being so confused and helpless like I have been in recent years frustrates me incredibly. There are so many unknowns; so many possibilities; so many potential criticisms; so many guaranteed life changers. I can continue to smother myself in my stagnant state, or I can choose to walk into the unknown. I know the choice I want to make, but I am just so scared of the probable rejection. If only I could tell one other soul, man, what that would do for me. I think it would help me so much, and hopefully prove to be the first domino to fall in my full coming out.
I want to prove my family wrong so badly. I want to let them know that all of their preconceptions of gay people are absolutely wrong when it comes to me, and that I really am the same person I used to be, the person who used to be less cold and more happy. I mean, I used to be a very happy person. Now, I come across as being so cold and emotionless, and it's simply something that I cannot change knowing that I'm living a lie day in and day out. I want that to change, and I want it to change soon. I know I sound repetitive, and trust me it gets old typing the same old shit every time I blog, but I don't know how to be me. I don't even know who I am. Maybe I'll find myself soon, but then again, maybe I won't. I'll continue to pray to find the strength as well as the answers, but until then I'll continue to torture myself needlessly as the days of my life pass me by, it seems quicker and quicker all the time.
* UPDATE: So, I meant to wrap this post up in the paragraph above, but as soon as I logged off here and checked my email, I received an email from my grandmother of a picture of my niece, which is very rare of her to email me. I literally got chills, as this almost seemed like a direct response from God, giving me the perfect opportunity to email her back. Well, I did email her back, and basically told her that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and that things will have to change for me soon. Very subtle, I know, but I know my grandmother will definitely probe to see what's going on. I told her I would call her tomorrow, so who knows, perhaps tomorrow will be the day I finally pour my soul to somebody. I'll let you guys know how it goes, so wish me luck, and hopefully I'll have the courage to venture into the unknown.
It's a week later - I hope the best has happened with you. Don't beat yourself up if you backed off at the last minute!
ReplyDeleteDiogenes Arktos
As usual I found a way to back down and not go through with it, although I was as close as I have ever been before. Basically in my email to my grandmother I told her that I was sorry for not calling her in a while as I've been very busy with school, which is a good thing to get my mind off of some things I've been thinking about a lot lately. I also told her that things are going to have to change for me soon, hoping she would sort of probe to see what was going on with me.
ReplyDeleteHer response was short and to the point, and I really didn't know how to respond to it. She said, "If you need to talk I'm here, and I love you unconditionally." I thought it was interesting that she said she loved me unconditionally, as if she already had an inkling as to what I was hinting at, but I didn't go through with it like I should have.
Thanks for your comment, though, and I still pray that I will come out to somebody soon. I know the stress is really getting to me as of late. I'm literally getting dark bags under my eyes, which is something that has never happened to me in my life, so I'm starting to see physical signs of the impact this is taking on me. Something's gotta change, and change fast.