Hey everybody. It's been a little over a week since I last blogged, and honestly it has felt like an even longer time than that, as time really seems to be dragging by for me lately. I don't know. I've just been really stressed out here lately, not to mention anxious about me coming out to my grandma recently. Speaking of that, the craziest timing took place about a week ago when my grandma was devastated with news that her husband of nine years wants out of their relationship. Her first husband, my grandpa, died over a decade ago, and she was really crazy about the guy she was with now. He really took care of her, which she needed, and she truly is devastated with what's happening. Needless to say, it has kind of put my coming out on the back burner, as she understandably is worrying about her own personal life, and like I said, the timing could not have been any stranger. This news was totally unexpected, and I'm hoping things work out for her.
Anyway, as I mentioned above, time seems to be standing still for me, and I'm really taking an internal beating, trying to figure out how to move on with my life. I felt great after coming out to my grandma, and I still do at times, but the homophobia from my dad's side of the family has been turned up to high here lately, and I'm really at a point where I simply feel helpless. I mean, I have fucking dark circles under my eyes now, something that I've never had before, I'm assuming because of all the stress I've been going through over the past several years of my life. The physical signs are there. I'm definitely losing a battle that I've been fighting for so long now, and every day I question what my future holds. I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the white towel, thinking my life is going to be the same old shit it has been forever now.
I feel like an old man internally. I feel like a joke of a person. I just can't find the answers, any answers, as to how to get me motivated to do something great with myself. I'm so fucking tired of school it's not even funny. I know I don't have too much longer to go, but man, I'm just so sick and tired of the monotonous routine that I go through day in and day out. I feel useless, and I really regret not choosing a different direction as far as my career path is concerned. My passion is writing, plain and simple. It always has been, yet for some reason I chose to be a history major. Exciting, right? Just think of all the fun. Get up Monday through Friday, teach a bunch of trouble-making thugs crap they could care less about, and make jack shit for doing it. I know I have so much potential to do something great, I just feel it inside me, but I don't know how to do it. I guess you can say I'm kind of lost right now. Better yet, I've been lost for a long time now, and I'm just barely realizing it. I'm trying to be found, trying to be noticed, but I wander through the darkness, wondering where I'm at and where I am going.
The wheels are always turning in my head, that's one of my main problems, but I just don't know how to shut them down every now and then. I'm constantly thinking, criticizing myself on a never-ending basis, paranoia proving to be venomous as it rots my motivation and self-confidence away. I'm always worrying about somebody or something, always feeling sorry for myself, and I can't stand to feel sorry for myself. I don't know how to stop it, though. I just don't know how the be normal, to live life like most kids my age, living a pathetic life where I feel like a fucking little kid still. I just don't want to give a fuck any more. I really want my independence so badly, but once I get it, what will I do with it? Will I be even lonelier than I am now?
I'm really on the verge of hitting rock bottom, and I don't know how to prevent the devastating fall. I'm tired for so many reasons, and there are days where I just feel like doing absolutely nothing. In fact, that's most days. I have zero motivation to get out and enjoy life; I hate myself for still being in the closet to most of my family; I hate myself for being so fucking weird around people, due in large part because of the fact that I'm being somebody that I am not. I just want to be me without being me, if that makes any sense.
I really did not even want to bring up what I am about to say, but really I just have to get a lot of shit off my chest. You know, it's been one hell of a process with me coming to grips with my sexuality. I was confused as to why I was gay when I was a little boy; I hated myself and absolutely denied my reality for most of my teenage years; I finally started to accept my reality in my late teen years into my early twenties, and just recently (within the last year or so) I thought I embraced who I am, but now I'm having second thoughts. Sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about being a normal straight guy, getting married, having kids, and living the life that so many expect of me. I know that is not possible, and at times I wonder why even move forward? After all, I haven't moved forward in a long time, and if anything, I seem to be heading back in the wrong direction.
It's really crazy. I was on the highest of highs just a few weeks ago, and now I'm sitting in a dark, cold place, pondering why I am the way I am. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm too ashamed. I feel like a joke of a man, and I see the incredible pain in my own eyes when staring at my reflection. There's just no life there. It's almost like I've died on the inside, like I'm just passing through the motions just to go through the motions. The only things nudging me on is my faith in God and my love for my family. It it wasn't for those things, I don't know where I would be right now, which is why I hope and pray that God gives me a break and points me in the right direction in this hellish life that I'm living.
Sorry you're situation hasn't gotten better (from your viewpoint). But, please don't give up. You seem like a stubborn person like me, which will go a long way in facing adversity. You should reach out to your grandma; caring for others will help you care for yourself.
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't done so already, try finding your MBTI personality type. Note that your results might switch, but eventually you'll recognize what you really are. When I found mine and researched some profiles, I was surprised at how accurately it described my behaviors and both more strengths and weaknesses. It has helped me a lot in also understanding and dealing with others.
http://humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Remember that you are beautiful, unique human being, and there is no one else to replace you. By making this blog, you've shown you're willing to go out on a limb and share your experiences with complete strangers. They are also wandering through the darkness, and your blog is like a light that helps them lead to a productive path. Remember those who walk in the valley of the shadow of death? ;)
With independence comes control over your own destiny. Sometimes that's enough to help lift your spirits. Don't think that being gay means you can't have a family or a stable relationship. Being perpetually single is a negative stereotype that even some gay people have played along with.
If you want, you can send me a message. This is the 21st century United States of America, where no LGBT person should feel that suicide is a viable option.
Also, here's some music that, while pretty emotional, may let you realize that your heart is not hard but still very much alive. This was written by Samuel Barber, one of many great gay classical composers.
http://youtu.be/a3MiETaBSnc
M
First of all, please forgive the pity party. Sometimes I just have to release some of the negative energy built up inside of me, and this is the only place where I can do that, although with my grandma now knowing that I am gay, perhaps I can start leaning on her a little more.
DeleteAlso, let me clarify, I am not giving up in life, nor am I considering suicide. I re-read my post and definitely see where it sounds like I'm considering that, but truthfully I am not. I've been through a lot of crap throughout my entire life, somehow I've managed to get through it, and this will be no different.
I'll eventually find all of my answers, it's just going to take some time and effort to do so. The day I posted this was a terrible day for me, and like I already said, this is just my way of getting things off my chest.
I really do appreciate your comment, thanks for the advice, and thanks for taking the time to read through my bull. Sometimes (many times) I regret posting what I do and consider deleting it, but then I think to myself what good would that do for me to deny my true feelings at a given time.
I sometimes overanalyze things, so sorry for jumping to conclusions. It's good you don't delete what you said. Although it can be jarring to have everything so permanently written on a public record, ultimately a reader (or yourself) will discover a common message and the writer's true personality.
DeleteNo need to apologize for making a conclusion that others probably made after reading that post. Like I said, there is definitely some ambiguity there, and after re-reading that post, I was questioning myself if that was what I was getting at without even realizing it.
DeleteI can say for sure that I am not suicidal, though, and that was just an example of a terrible day being poured on a page to vent some of my personal frustrations.
I really do appreciate people like you taking the time to read what a complete stranger like me has to say. This blog helps me in so many ways, and I am trying to reach others to let them know that they are not alone in their struggles. I've had some great chats (as well as comments) from guys who are like me in so many ways, and it really is amazing how much better you feel knowing you have others who can empathize with you in many ways.
Once again, thanks for the comment(s), and thanks for your concern as well. Never apologize for a comment on this blog. It is not necessary. If anything, I should be the one apologizing for having a pity party.