A gift... A curse... A never-ending adventure filled with plenty of ups and downs. Whatever cliche tickles your fancy when it comes to life, the beauty remains that more often than not they apply to each and every one of us throughout our journey. It has taken me my whole life, up to this very minute, to realize (or at least begin to realize) how big a gift life truly is. You see, I've always taken the little things that are actually enormous in size for granted because of the forever ominous black cloud hanging over my head, my personal hurricane named Faggot. I have grown up around words like that ever since I was a little boy, nothing abnormal about it, of course other than the fact that I myself have always fit the label I was taught to despise.
As a result, for most of my life, I did indeed despise myself, whether or not I was willing to admit it.. Sometimes I still do not like myself even today, but I am ever so happy that I am pushing forward in a process that I initiated earlier this year. I have, in the very least, come to accept the fact that I am indeed gay; I believe I have even come to embrace most of myself, even though I go through certain phases in this regard; and I have started the arduous process of coming out of the closet earlier this year when I came out to my grandmother. This road is just now being traveled down, with a ways to go before I reach my destination, but I feel it is about time for me to strap on my running shoes in order to accelerate the pace.
Life, as daunting, merciless, and unforgiving as it is at times, offers so many gifts that should not be taken for granted. As ignorant and seemingly bigoted certain members of my family are sometimes, I would not trade them for anything. I love each and every one of them, and look forward to sharing parts of my life with them, considering they want anything to do with me once I am out in the near future. I appreciate the kindness of perfect strangers, who for no reason that makes sense to me reach out in my most desperate times of need, instantaneously becoming genuine friends. I take comfort in my faith in God, and in knowing that Jesus Christ died on the cross as much for me as for anybody else. It confuses some people as to how I could believe in God considering all the hell I have gone through in my relatively short twenty-four years of life, but without my faith I do not know where I would be today. If I am to be entirely truthful, I would probably not be typing this right now.
Life is meant to be lived. I am coming around to realize this each and every day that passes me by, ironically enough. I have let enough of mine slip on by in a viciously monotonous and repetitious routine, and I feel it is past due for me to start enjoying what all life has to offer me. For a few years now I have attempted to live my life by a plan... planning every detail out and abiding by those details day in and day out. I have been able to follow this plan, but it has done so much damage words cannot even begin to describe the toll it has taken. The plan is about to be crumpled up and tossed aside, and I am about to stop worrying about the potential perils of the future in order to enjoy and appreciate the magnificence of the present. I am about to be me for the first time ever, even if I am still not quite sure just exactly who I am yet.