Sunday, November 17, 2013

Life

A gift...  A curse...  A never-ending adventure filled with plenty of ups and downs.  Whatever cliche tickles your fancy when it comes to life, the beauty remains that more often than not they apply to each and every one of us throughout our journey.  It has taken me my whole life, up to this very minute, to realize (or at least begin to realize) how big a gift life truly is.  You see, I've always taken the little things that are actually enormous in size for granted because of the forever ominous black cloud hanging over my head, my personal hurricane named Faggot.  I have grown up around words like that ever since I was a little boy, nothing abnormal about it, of course other than the fact that I myself have always fit the label I was taught to despise.

 As a result, for most of my life, I did indeed despise myself, whether or not I was willing to admit it..  Sometimes I still do not like myself even today, but I am ever so happy that I am pushing forward in a process that I initiated earlier this year.  I have, in the very least, come to accept the fact that I am indeed gay; I believe I have even come to embrace most of myself, even though I go through certain phases in this regard; and I have started the arduous process of coming out of the closet earlier this year when I came out to my grandmother.  This road is just now being traveled down, with a ways to go before I reach my destination, but I feel it is about time for me to strap on my running shoes in order to accelerate the pace.

Life, as daunting, merciless, and unforgiving as it is at times, offers so many gifts that should not be taken for granted.  As ignorant and seemingly bigoted certain members of my family are sometimes, I would not trade them for anything.  I love each and every one of them, and look forward to sharing parts of my life with them, considering they want anything to do with me once I am out in the near future.  I appreciate the kindness of perfect strangers, who for no reason that makes sense to me reach out in my most desperate times of need, instantaneously becoming genuine friends.  I take comfort in my faith in God, and in knowing that Jesus Christ died on the cross as much for me as for anybody else.  It confuses some people as to how I could believe in God considering all the hell I have gone through in my relatively short twenty-four years of life, but without my faith I do not know where I would be today.  If I am to be entirely truthful, I would probably not be typing this right now.

Life is meant to be lived.  I am coming around to realize this each and every day that passes me by, ironically enough.  I have let enough of mine slip on by in a viciously monotonous and repetitious routine, and I feel it is past due for me to start enjoying what all life has to offer me.  For a few years now I have attempted to live my life by a plan... planning every detail out and abiding by those details day in and day out.  I have been able to follow this plan, but it has done so much damage words cannot even begin to describe the toll it has taken.  The plan is about to be crumpled up and tossed aside, and I am about to stop worrying about the potential perils of the future in order to enjoy and appreciate the magnificence of the present.  I am about to be me for the first time ever, even if I am still not quite sure just exactly who I am yet.

2 comments:

  1. Hello Michael. I read your blog from time to time, and I'd like to thank you. I'd like to thank you for your honesty and bravery. Your experience is shared by many gay guys, and I'm sure that there are guys out there just like you that find solace in your words. I know that I would have back when I was stuck in the closet. Know that you are worthwhile, know that you are fine just the way you are, and that you have nothing no be ashamed of. You are Michael, not just any faggot. You just happen to be gay. Just like I'm Oscar, that happens to be gay.

    You've probably realized by now, but you need to find people outside your family that accepts you for who you are, that can be that someone to hold onto while you sort out your relationship with your immediate family. It may be peers in school, or your nana. Even people that you wouldn't expect to be accepting will be.
    I tried for too long to change into what people accepted of me. Putting my own wants, needs, and dreams in the back seat, just to keep the status quo. But I realized that unless I live with integrity, there's no chance to be satisfied with life.

    I was scared shitless that I wouldn't get to do the things that I love while living openly. However, luckily, I was more or less outed to my football team. Contrary to what I feared, no one gave a rats ass about my sexual orientation. I was afraid that I would be "that gay football player". None of that ever came true. I'm just "Oscar", or "The big O"... The only even remotely "offensive" thing that's happened is team mates asking who I'd rather, and who's got the best ass on the team etc. Hardly anything to loose sleep over.

    Do you care about the NFL? Any team in particular that you root for? I'm a Denver fan, so I must say that I've been quite happy lately.

    / Oscar

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Oscar for commenting. There is no need to thank me. I started this blog in order for me to vent my pent up frustrations, yet somehow it has led to me meeting some really awesome people who can relate to my story. People like you who take time to share pieces of your stories; offer me advice; and just reach out in general really make starting this blog that much more worth it. So, instead of thanking me, I should be thanking people like you. So, thank you.

      As far as finding people who accept me for who I am, you're definitely right about that. I've gotta get out and start that process, no doubt about it.

      Also, I really enjoy your stories about being out to your football team. And I'd actually take those little jabs about who's ass is the best on the team and who you'd rather as almost being complimentary. After all, at least the intent is meant to be caring and joking as opposed to hateful and derogatory. I can sort of relate to you in that I played baseball up until my teen years. I can empathize with the fears of being outed to your team, but that was never even close to being an option while I was still playing. I am happy to see that your team has accepted you for who you are.

      Do I care about the NFL? Football is not my favorite sport, as I'm more of a hockey and baseball kind of guy, but I do watch the Cowboys choke every other week (including against your Broncos earlier this season). And I can definitely see where you would be happy. Your Broncos have been kicking ass all season long, and I'm actually hoping they take it all this year.

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