Friday, May 23, 2014

Give it to God

5/21/14 - the date that I was freed from the closet; a day that I have been waiting for my entire life; and the day where my life at last began.  Earlier this week, as those of you know who have read my blog, I wrote a post that was extremely dark after my boyfriend broke up with me over seemingly nothing.  I had not felt that horrible in some time.  I was just getting to a point where I was starting to build up a little self confidence; I was finally able to believe that maybe it was possible for somebody to actually love me; and I felt that I had met a guy that simply loved me for me.  As we all know, that came crashing down on me, hard and heavy. I went to bed that night with some very dark thoughts, but as I do every night before I go to sleep, I said a little prayer, even though I did not really feel like doing anything except giving up.

The next day I woke up and felt even worse.  I stood in the shower getting ready for work, letting the hot water do its best to wash away my worries.  Once again, so many negative thoughts flooded my mind.  But, once again, as I do every day, I started my morning off with a prayer to God... only this one was a little bit different.  Instead of asking God for all of the things I thought I needed, all I asked for when it came to myself was for God to take my hand and lead me down the right path.  As I told Him, I put all my faith and trust in You in every aspect of my life.  Later that day, the process began... the closet door was pried open... and I received my first good glimpse of what the other side looked like.

You see, I had posted on Facebook that I was feeling pretty low, something that I have never done before.  I had never asked for help, and I was stunned by all of the responses from family that I received.  Eventually, one of my aunts asked me what was wrong, and told me that she would love me no matter what, which was eerily similar to what my grandmother had told me a year before when I revealed to her that I was gay.

 I knew what I had to do.  I told her that I was gay, and as I said before, the process began.  Most of my family, just two days later, know that I am gay, and I have not had a single negative response thus far.  I have been offered nothing but love and support, surprisingly from some of the people who I feared would take the news most negatively.  From my religious aunt who has already offered to hook me up with some of her "hot gay friends", to my aunt's devoutly Muslim boyfriend who offered nothing but encouragement, I have been stunned by the outpouring of support offered by those who I have isolated myself for oh so long.

With all of the positive happenings that have overwhelmed me in the past couple of days, I know that this is just the beginning.  I know everything will not be rainbows and sunshine; I know I still have work to do when it comes to loving myself; I know that there will ultimately be troubles when it comes to certain people pertaining to my sexuality; and I know that life will still be life, with its ups and downs, no matter if I am gay or straight.

But, what I know above all else is this:  I am finally free.  Jesus took my hand, and led me from my prison.  He gave my life its legitimate direction, and he offered me a new starting point.  Now it is time for me to take advantage of this incredibly precious gift.  It is time for me to finally start being me, and as I told my stepmom a few hours ago, I have a lot of catching up to do, as I have missed so much enduring through an internal and seemingly eternal hell that my lord and savior rescued me from.


4 comments:

  1. Congratulations, man... very happy for you!

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  2. Congratulations bro. I'm really happy that you've been liberated at last. Feels a lot better, does it not? This is not an end, but a beginning of a much better life. Leading a double lie, keeping track of lies and so on takes such a toll on ones happiness.

    / Oscar

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    Replies
    1. Absolutely, man. I feel relieved, although the emotions are kind of weird right now, to be entirely honest. I still feel kind of awkward and uncomfortable around family, but they've been nothing but as supportive as they can.

      And, you're definitely right about it being the beginning. Now I have to work on my self confidence; get out and start playing the game a little; and just enjoying life for the first time in my life.

      Thanks for the comment, Oscar.

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