Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Um... No Thank You

So, I get home this afternoon and my aunt and her boyfriend are at our house.  Nothing really out of the ordinary, but her boyfriend tells me that he has been talking to my aunt about taking me out to a strip club. I'm thinking to myself: Nice gesture, but no thanks. I just kind of chuckled and blew it off, but then he goes on to say that my aunt said that I wouldn't go, which is entirely true. But he decided to push even further, and even said it would be an all expense event, his words not mine.

At this point, I was dying of laughter on the inside. I know a lot of my family just think I am antisocial, but that really could not be further from the truth. I love getting to know new people... I just feel so constrained with my situation. Needless to say, I definitely do not want to go get drunk and have a woman's tits and ass flashing in my face. Not exactly my idea of fun, although once again, I suppose the gesture is nice.

I really needed that laugh, let me tell you. I've had a lot of personal family issues to deal with here lately, so having a light moment like that actually helped get my mind off of things.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Looking to Write

Hey everybody. Just thought I would drop in and give a couple of updates about what's been happening with me. I'll keep it brief as I am painfully writing this from my Droid, but everything has been as crazy as ever when it comes to me and my life. I have been subbing for the past month and am enjoying working at the high school level; I'm still hopelessly stick in the closet, although I plan on coming out fully in the next month or two; it seems like I'm heading in the right direction as far as a paid internship is concerned, so fingers crossed; my little brother is back to his old, thieving ways and is apparently on the run; and finally, I am really serious about getting involved in writing at some capacity to in the very least start making some supplemental income. I have the writing skills - I am just unsure as to how to get known and noticed. I have (and this is the first time I have ever shared this with anyone) been working on a couple of novels the past few years, but second guessing and little time have slowed me down from pursuing those like I wish I could. If anybody has any suggestions, please do not hesitate to share them with me.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

A New Year - New Goals

I hope everybody is having an enjoyable and healthy 2014 thus far.  Mine has actually started on the right foot, although I am disappointed that I did not meet last year's resolution to come out fully.  Having said that, I have done a ton of thinking about that here lately, and have come to the conclusion that that will come some time this year when I become more independent financially.  It just makes sense, and I'm not going to rock the boat yet when I don't have a reliable lifeboat awaiting me should I sink.

  You see, I graduated back in December with my BA in History.  It feels great to have that done, but it feels kind of weird knowing that I am (mostly) done with school.  I still have to complete two classes to complete my certification, as well as two state tests, so I still have another semester at the university anyway.  But, I'll only be going two days a week, meaning I will be able to start subbing this semester, which I will have to look into sometime this upcoming week.  I'm more than ready to start making a little money, mainly in that it does give me options regarding coming out.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not going to be making much money, but I will be making enough that should I get kicked out once I do come out (which I highly doubt will happen), then I can probably find a relative I could stay with for a little rent money.

Then, after this semester, I will start my one year internship before I officially become a contracted teacher.  The great thing about interning, though, is that I will get full salary and (I believe) benefits, so I'm really looking forward to that.  The only nuisance is that I will have a "mentor" teacher during that year, meaning either the department head or a veteran teacher will guide me along during my first year, which will probably do me some good anyway.

So, I'm really looking forward to 2014 for so many reasons.  It will be the year that I come out, hopefully in the very near future; I will be jump starting my career this year; I will really be working hard to get into tip-top shape physically; and I'm also planning on doing some writing, which has been my passion ever since I was a little boy.  Anyway, are you guys looking forward to 2014?  Do you have any resolutions?  And, if so, what are they?  Feel free to comment as always on any of my posts, and until next time, I hope all is well with everybody who reads this blog.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Fuck the Duck

So, Duck Dynasty, eh?  I'm not sure if you guys have heard about the Duck Dynasty controversy... oh who the fuck am I kidding?  Everybody has heard about Papa Duck condemning gays to hell in his outrageous comments to GQ as it has been plastered anywhere and everywhere in the media, while I can't help but sit back and laugh at the so-called religious right jumping to the hillbilly's defense as he was simply "quoting from the Bible."  Give me a fucking break.  The idiot showed his true colors in his ridiculous comments, the company he WORKS FOR decided to suspend him because of them, yet many conservatives are running to paint this multimillionaire as some kind of victim.  Really?  Really?  Really?  How ludicrous is that?  The company can do what the fuck they want (isn't that what conservatives are supposed to be for?), yet you have the likes of Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Rick Santorum rushing to aid the golden duck because he was simply expressing his faith.  Oh my, God bless you Papa Duck!  God bless you!  You are such an inspiration to all of us Christians!

Oh, wait a minute.  Am I allowed to call myself a Christian?  Am I allowed to believe in God?  Am I allowed to believe that Jesus Christ is my savior and died on the cross for my sins as well?  Apparently not.  Since I'm a hopeless faggot, according to many of these famous conservatives, I am in an entirely different category compared to their perfect straight selves.  They are above me and those like me; they look down their noses at us pitiful perverts; they lump us into the category that includes adulterers, bestiality, drunks, and prostitutes.  That is supposed to somehow make us hopeless faggots feel a little better about ourselves.  We're not alone, my friends.  We're joining the cheaters and the goat fuckers on our journey to hell.  Oh joy.  Thank you Papa Duck.  God bless you!

In all seriousness, and those that have read my blog over time know this, but I am actually a pretty conservative guy in many respects myself.  To be more precise, I am more moderate, even though I definitely fall on the center-right of the ideological spectrum.  At the same time, I happen to be gay.  I've struggled with this reality my entire life (I'm still struggling with it), I know I did not choose it, and I know in my heart and soul that God would not be so cruel as to make me this way if it truly were a sin.  I am fully comfortable with my relationship with God, and I could give a duck's ass what those of organized cults, er, religion think about me and those like me.  You don't own God.  You don't have a patent on the meaning and interpretation of the Bible.  You have no right to judge me, no more than I have the right to judge you.  Which is exactly why I could give a flying fuck what Papa Duck said about homosexuality.  He has the right to say what he believes, just like A&E has the right to suspend him if they do not condone his comments.  That is the free market, folks.  Stop with the double standard you far right loons.    And, by the way, since when did the Bible go into depth about comparing a woman's pussy with a man's hairy ass?  I must have missed those Holy words that talked about there being more there to work with when comparing a vagina to a man's anus.

Perhaps Papa Duck needs to study up on the Golden Rule.  Perhaps he should understand and preach what the Bible says pertaining to judging others.  Perhaps, in his own statement he lumps the greedy into the category as well, so perhaps he should understand that he is not going to inherit the kingdom of God himself.  After all, isn't he a fucking multimillionaire?  I mean, who gets to decide what exactly constitutes a greedy person?  Some could very well argue that millionaires should take a socialist point of view and spread their wealth around.  And by spreading the wealth, I don't mean giving a small chunk of your fortune to charity, I mean being truly generous and giving as much as you possibly can.  You don't need those millions of dollars... you don't need to rake in tens of millions of dollars from your TV show... you don't need to be so greedy, Papa Duck and family.  Listen, I am not a socialist.  Far from it, actually.  I am a free market capitalist one hundred percent.  That said, the point being made here is that you can interpret and twist the words of the Bible to fit your agenda in any variety of ways.  Simply put, my advice to ignoramuses like Papa Duck is to not make such a complex issue that has resulted in many youth suicides and murders into something so simple... especially when you are dead wrong on this issue.

Finally, I was watching Hannity on Fox News last night.  Full disclosure, I am a Fox News fan and I am indeed a fan of Sean Hannity's.  However, after watching his show last night, I lost a great amount of respect for that man.  His holier than though attitude, his "I'm a Catholic and that's what we believe" point-of-view made my stomach turn as I watched his show last night.  I guess Mr. Hannity is the spokesman of all Catholics and Christians now.  Good for you, Mr. Hannity.  Good for you and your enormous salary with Fox News, not to mention your huge salary for talk radio.  It's not greedy at all for you to rake in tens of millions of dollars while the vast majority of Americans live from paycheck to paycheck - that, after all, is just the free market in play.  And, I support it and you one hundred percent.  I think Pope Francis, the world leader of your religion, supports you as well based off his recent comments. You see, despite your ignorance last night, I'm still a Hannity fan.  I'll still watch your show and aid in the ratings so you can keep on piling in the green.  Thankfully, Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly seem to get it.  They actually looked at this issue from a logical perspective, and for the most part they actually got it right when it comes to this so-called issue.

When all is said and done, don't you know that Papa Duck was simply being Papa Duck?  A&E knew what they were getting with him, after all.  If you make that argument, then the racist is simply being who they are as well.  The sexist is just being the sexist.  And the homophobe is just being the homophobe.  Indeed, all of these people have the right to spew their venom, a right I agree with one hundred percent, but I think it says a ton when it comes to those who rush to support these bigots behind the guise of religion.  In leaving you tonight, I will leave you with a quote from Pope Francis.  Maybe Papa Duck and Sean Hannity should open their ears to his words?  Oh wait, he's just the pope... he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, I'm sure... according to loudmouth Limbaugh, he's a Marxist anyway.  As Pope Francis asked: "If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?"  Wise words from a seemingly wise man.  No need to judge us helpless queers, Pope Francis... we'll leave that up to the Papa Ducks and Sean Hannity's of the world.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

L... is for the way... I look at you?

Alright.  I'm going to break down and act like a junior high girl with a huge crush for one post.  So, in one of my history classes there is a guy who really has caught my attention, pretty much ever since the semester started.  Really up my alley as far as who I usually find myself attracted to, and I find myself just creepily staring at him much of the time, with him sharing glances with smiles every now and then.  I don't know... like I said, kind of the little girl with a crush scenario, but there's just something about this guy that really gets me going.  Naturally, I've always been the reserved, quiet, shy guy, so it's not like I'm just going to walk up to him one day after class and strike up a conversation.  That's just not me.  But, if he were to come up to me to talk, I'd probably just get all awkward and freeze anyway.  Hopefully not really (lol), but I'd be stunned if he ever did approach me.  It seems like every semester there's always that one guy that catches my eye, but in all honesty it's more simple crushes than anything else.  Hell, I don't even know if any of these guys are gay, even though I would definitely hope that they were.  Anyway, now that I've revealed the stalker side of me, let's move on to another topic, shall we?

So, I don't know... I've been really wondering about coming out to my nana this week.  One of the reasons is because I know I will be going to some of my family's houses for Thanksgiving, and like I've mentioned before in prior posts, it's always extremely uncomfortable for me as I feel like I'm being judged by many of my relatives.  One part of me says to just come out either tonight or tomorrow and put all of the suspicions and perceived judgment to rest, but I always have that side of me that keeps on saying to just wait for the right time.  The problem is that I've been tired of waiting for a very long time now, and if waiting for the right time means waiting until I'm in my thirties or later, then I say it's about time to create the right time by just coming out with it.  Honestly, I'm not sure what to do, although my personal goal is to still be fully out by the end of the year.  Time is flying by faster than I would like, so I know if that is to happen I'm going to have to grow a pair, but that is the plan nonetheless.

Anyway, just thought I'd drop by here and drop a few lines.  We got out of school today for Thanksgiving so I had a little free time for the first time in a long time, so coming here to write provides me an opportunity to release a little through my blog.  All of that said, I hope everybody has a great and safe Thanksgiving, and as always, feel free to leave a comment or send me an email.  I've actually met some great guys through email, so it's always nice to get to know some of you guys (and girls) who check up on my blog.  Until next time, I hope all is well with you all, and once again, have a happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Life

A gift...  A curse...  A never-ending adventure filled with plenty of ups and downs.  Whatever cliche tickles your fancy when it comes to life, the beauty remains that more often than not they apply to each and every one of us throughout our journey.  It has taken me my whole life, up to this very minute, to realize (or at least begin to realize) how big a gift life truly is.  You see, I've always taken the little things that are actually enormous in size for granted because of the forever ominous black cloud hanging over my head, my personal hurricane named Faggot.  I have grown up around words like that ever since I was a little boy, nothing abnormal about it, of course other than the fact that I myself have always fit the label I was taught to despise.

 As a result, for most of my life, I did indeed despise myself, whether or not I was willing to admit it..  Sometimes I still do not like myself even today, but I am ever so happy that I am pushing forward in a process that I initiated earlier this year.  I have, in the very least, come to accept the fact that I am indeed gay; I believe I have even come to embrace most of myself, even though I go through certain phases in this regard; and I have started the arduous process of coming out of the closet earlier this year when I came out to my grandmother.  This road is just now being traveled down, with a ways to go before I reach my destination, but I feel it is about time for me to strap on my running shoes in order to accelerate the pace.

Life, as daunting, merciless, and unforgiving as it is at times, offers so many gifts that should not be taken for granted.  As ignorant and seemingly bigoted certain members of my family are sometimes, I would not trade them for anything.  I love each and every one of them, and look forward to sharing parts of my life with them, considering they want anything to do with me once I am out in the near future.  I appreciate the kindness of perfect strangers, who for no reason that makes sense to me reach out in my most desperate times of need, instantaneously becoming genuine friends.  I take comfort in my faith in God, and in knowing that Jesus Christ died on the cross as much for me as for anybody else.  It confuses some people as to how I could believe in God considering all the hell I have gone through in my relatively short twenty-four years of life, but without my faith I do not know where I would be today.  If I am to be entirely truthful, I would probably not be typing this right now.

Life is meant to be lived.  I am coming around to realize this each and every day that passes me by, ironically enough.  I have let enough of mine slip on by in a viciously monotonous and repetitious routine, and I feel it is past due for me to start enjoying what all life has to offer me.  For a few years now I have attempted to live my life by a plan... planning every detail out and abiding by those details day in and day out.  I have been able to follow this plan, but it has done so much damage words cannot even begin to describe the toll it has taken.  The plan is about to be crumpled up and tossed aside, and I am about to stop worrying about the potential perils of the future in order to enjoy and appreciate the magnificence of the present.  I am about to be me for the first time ever, even if I am still not quite sure just exactly who I am yet.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Lil Bro

I know the last couple of posts have been pretty down and depressing, but one of the purposes of doing this blog is to vent and get things off my chest when I have nowhere else to turn, so I came on here to vent my frustrations regarding my little brother's current situation.  Honestly, I've been getting kicked in the ass quite a bit here lately, but I'm looking forward to things picking up for me, and I'm counting down the days until graduation.  Speaking of graduation, I actually go tomorrow (or am supposed to at least) to order my cap and gown, although I'm not really the type for pageantry of any kind, even if it is something like graduation.  While the actual ceremony of my high school graduation was surreal and pleasant, what I remember most is how miserable I was spending an entire day in sweltering heat going through the procedures of taking the class picture, figuring out the seating arrangement, learning when to walk on stage, etc., and the horrible sunburn I got as a result.  So, yeah, lets just say I would have been more than happy to have simply picked up my diploma from the high school without attending the actual graduation ceremony.  As a result of that experience, I really did not want to partake in my college graduation ceremony, but my grandparents are having none of that, so I guess that's the least I can do for the people who have done so much for me, including, of course, paying for my school.  Not to mention this ceremony will be held in an actual building instead of an outdoor football stadium, so yeah, I won't really have to worry about the heat here.  Still not really thrilled about the ceremony, but more than ready to finally get my hands on that diploma.

Speaking of school, and this is a bit of a side note, but I was pissed earlier today when I saw that I received an 85 on my first Third Reich essay.  First of all, I worked my ass off on this particular essay, thought I did very well on it, and actually enjoyed the content I was reading for the paper; secondly, I'm majoring in history, so it's kind of a low blow to get a plain B on an assignment I was fairly convinced I would get a solid A on; lastly, I never get B's on any of my essays (not to sound arrogant, but NEVER), so it really blew to get a B on this first paper.  In all fairness, though, I've never had this particular professor since being at UTPB, which is kind of odd since I'm a senior about to graduate and he is the department chair, but I always stuck with the professors I enjoyed, and that really paid off in what I learned, which in turn reflected in the grades I received.  This particular professor is pretty nit-picky, not to mention one of those people who are too smart, so I'm taking it that he really dissects every little thing when grading.  I was hoping for feedback on my grade (he posts them online), and he said that there would be feedback, but when I downloaded my paper, there were no comments.  Oh well... life goes on I guess.

Finally, getting to the actual point of this post, I'm actually quite happy this evening as I talked to my grandma earlier who informed me that she, her boyfriend, and my sister were all on their way to pick up my brother from Ft. Worth.  I'm really hoping he comes home and gets his act together, but I really doubt that that is going to happen.  I fear that he is gone beyond helping, or at least to the point where only he can help himself, so I do pray to God that he figures things out before it's too late.  I love that boy so much, and it tears me apart to see him spiraling out of control like he has during the past several years.

Also, before I go, I would like to mention that I've actually received a few emails from some great guys who have had encouraging words and been more than generous to me during the past week or so.  A few posts ago I mentioned the anonymous freaks that like to chat every now and then, but here lately there have been a few guys who have really been nothing but supportive of a total stranger during trying times, and I would like to sincerely thank them from the bottom of my heart.  If you guys are reading this, please know that you have helped me more than you probably realize, and it truly does touch me that you all would take the time out of your days to offer a little guidance to a guy trying to find his way like me.  Thanks, thanks, and thanks again.