Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Happy Holidays

Sorry I left you guys with the depressing last post where I was arguably at the lowest point in my life, but I've been dealing with a ton of personal issues, many of which are out of my control, so I have been getting hit on so many sides the past several months.  I will keep on fighting, though.  I have always been a fighter, and I am not going to be a quitter now.  2014 has probably been the toughest of my life, particularly the last quarter, so I'm really looking forward to 2015.  My New Year's resolution is to focus on myself in many respects in order to fully learn to love myself for the first time in my life.  I have many areas I can improve on, so hopefully this will all get done in the immediate future.

As far as this blog is concerned, I am really thinking about shutting things down.  So, if it disappears in the near future, don't be surprised.  I just have to really put all of my focus and energy on myself for the first time in my life.  If I don't post anymore, to those who have followed the blog, I truly appreciate your input and words.  I have received several emails over the past few years from people who have related to what I've written, and to them I say even if the blog comes to an end, my email is always open.

Have a Happy New Year everybody!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Moving on is easier said than done

An update as to whether or not he called me the other night at eight o'clock:  No, he did not.  He did not, so I proceeded to blow up his phone with texts initially, and then eventually calls. Of course, he did not respond to the texts, which pissed me off so much, so I once again turned into somebody I am not, leaving some pretty mean texts.  I told him that he was heartless.  I told him that karma is a bitch.  And, I told him that if he is fucking somebody else and that's the reason why he dropped me so suddenly, that both of them better be playing safe, because if they aren't, then they might want to get checked at the clinic.  Yeah, my ass went down to that level, and was ashamed as soon as I hit send, not only because I knew that wasn't true, but because that shit probably hurt me more than him, which I didn't want to hurt either of us really.

Anyway, after being stupid with the texts, I started blowing up his phone.  Of course, he didn't answer, but after calling probably five or six times in a row, surprisingly a female picked up.  I was shocked, so I was speechless at first, but finally managed to ask if Jeremy was around.  This chick tried to treat me like I was stupid, saying I had the wrong number.  I was like, um, no I don't.  So, then she says (and this is around tenish) that Jeremy isn't home, and never came home from work.  She tells me that she's Sarah, his roommate, and that they aren't really that close, that their shifts have them to where they don't see each other much, and that basically they're just roommates... nothing more.  Of course, I wasn't buying that shit, but I was polite and kind of tried to get some answers from her.  I told her that Jeremy must be talking all kinds of shit about me being crazy and everything, to which she asked my name, and when I told her she said that he had never mentioned me.  Funnily enough, I would ask her that same question a little bit later, and she said that he had mentioned that I told him that he didn't have a heart.

So, I continue probing and explaining where I'm coming from, and I can tell she's pretty uncomfortable.  I ask her if they really had a managers meeting in Lubbock a couple weeks ago, and she got quiet a minute, and then said yeah.  It then clicked in my head right then that Jeremy was probably right there listening (I'm sure they had me on speaker phone), and feeding her answers.  Just the hesitation in answering certain questions made me get that impression.  So, eventually I apologize to her for putting her in that position, thank her for her time, and she says it's okay and she'll let him know that I called.  I was out with my sister that night, so I had her swing by his apartment, and sure enough his car was there.  So, I'm pretty sure I had reason to be suspicious about him having her answer his phone to calm me down.

Moving on, my sister and I decide to go out and have some fun, so we eventually end up at Buffalo Wild Wings to eat and drink a little.  We were having a pretty good time, had a couple drinks, and then at around eleven he texts me.  He tells me to go back and read my texts, that I am pretty crazy, and that this is the reason why he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.  He says that he doesn't understand how I fell for him when we hadn't even been on a date; that his only intentions were to get to know people and possibly date; and that I hurt myself.

So, I responded by saying that I know I went crazy; I didn't know how or why I fell so hard either; that I wasn't as crazy as I had been acting; and that he needed to stop playing the victim card, because he should go back and read his early messages and texts and see how he was the one showing interest early on.  I also told him that he shut me out completely while sending mixed messages, that all this did was add fuel to my fire, that had he told me this early on it never would've gotten to this point, and that he did hurt me but I would be fine.  I then went on to say that I didn't hold any ill feelings toward him, that I'll be beating myself up for not playing it cool and subsequently throwing away any chance I had with him, that unlike him I had a genuine heart, and that his words and actions are polar opposites.

He responds by saying he's not playing the victim card; that he shut out everybody that week when he did me as well, including his roommate, co-workers, and family while also acknowledging that he needed to work on that; and that my freaking out is why he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.  He said he was sorry I fell for him; he's sorry I got hurt; that he never intentionally hurts people; that he has a big heart, if only I could have found that out; and that he was sorry it got to this point.

I thanked him for apologizing and recognizing that he wasn't totally innocent in this, and said that my family is freaking out by how I'm breaking down, because I've never been that person either.  I told him that I scared myself with how I fell for him, that I couldn't help that they happened but they just did, and that I should have just lied and kept them in instead of being so vulnerable.

He apologized again, saying he didn't know what he did to make me fall so hard for him, but that it was too late to take anything back.  I responded by saying that he didn't have to do anything, because I just fell for Jeremy, the guy I met those first couple days.  I told him I fell for him because he was just him, that simple.  He apologized again for screwing me up, and I told him it really wasn't his fault, and that if I were in his shoes I'd think I was crazy too.  I then asked him if I had kept my cool, would he had given me a shot at anything, being completely real and honest, and this is what he said: "I would have gone to being friends first but yes I've told you this already."  He said he understood why I freaked out like I did to an extent, and that was the reason for his apology.

I know I should move on, and trust me I've been trying, but I'm trying to keep the door open for, if nothing else, a potential friendship.  He didn't really respond to that proposal, so I texted him earlier just trying to get more answers, and he has actually been responding, so hopefully things will be better.  I don't know... I know I need to move on, but I just can't right now.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Guys are pricks

Yeah, so I met that one guy a few weeks ago, and I fell for him almost instantly... I'm talking about after the first day I met him, I had fallen hard.  Apparently that is one of my many weaknesses. So, like I said before, this guy is the one who reached out to me; he's the one who was persistent that first week, including fucking me in his car across the street from my house the first night and inviting me to his apartment the next; and then it all slowed dramatically down.  Then, this last week, it stopped completely, with him totally ignoring my calls and texts, and honestly it is fucking driving me crazy.

All I wanted is either answers and/or closure, and I've let him know that, but for whatever reason he doesn't want to give me either.  Anyway, I went to his job earlier to try and make sense out of the mixed messages, the complete shutout, and the initial interest on his part.  Lets just say that he was shocked and pissed to see me there, and as much as I pleaded with him for anything, I don't think I'm going to get it.  At this point, I don't really have anything to lose... I'm willing to make a fool out of myself until he either tells me to fuck off or tells me what changed so suddenly.  That's how deep I am right now.

So, I grow the balls earlier to show up at his work (he's a manager at a pretty big electronics store), and there's literally one customer in the store checking out in line.  Some big black guy is the employee behind the desk, and I ask him if the manager is in.  He says yeah, to just poke my head in the office door, and let him know I'm here.  So, I'm fucking nervous as fuck, and just as I'm walking back to the office, here comes his assistant manager/roommate back from her lunch break.  We'd never met, so she didn't know who I was, but it was still kinda weird.  She went and talked to Jeremy as I waited outside for them to finish, as he was also on his phone in the office with someone he kept calling "my friend."  So, when he gets off the phone, I just stand at the door and ask, "So, you gonna talk to me?"  He hadn't turned around, so it didn't click right away who I was, so he said yeah, sure, and then turned around and immediately said no.

You see, he kept on telling me he was ignoring me because he was at work, but his ass is on his phone when I walk in?  Anyway, he's stunned and pissed that I'm standing in his office door, so I immediately try questioning him, and actually get a tiny bit of info, but for the most part he just kept telling me that I need to leave, goodbye, and to leave his store.  I asked him if he'd be willing to talk to me at all, and he said not at work, and that he'd talked to me when he got off.  Obviously, I called his bluff there as well as he told me the same shit last week and then just ignored me completely from there until then, so I kept on.

Eventually, he got up from his desk, walked up to me, and shut the door on my face.  I didn't give a fuck at that point, so I opened it right back up, and just made him promise me that he'd call when he got off work.  He said he'd call me when he got off, even gave me the time (eight tonight), so knowing that I couldn't do anymore, I reluctantly left.  I'm almost positive that he's not going to call me tonight, but I hope he keeps his word.  Like I told him, all I want is closure, and he said he'd give it to me tonight.  If he doesn't, it's going to crush me pretty hard.

Here's a couple things that I don't get:  I don't get why he just won't put me out of my misery, and was still sending mixed messages as of last week.  I don't understand why he wouldn't even tell me to just fuck off earlier today.  I told him to just tell me to fuck off and I'd leave him alone, but he wouldn't even do that today.  I don't understand what I did wrong early on when he first started being standoffish, even though I know that coming clean to him about how I felt scared him apparently.  And, I don't know why, if he doesn't want to have any contact with me, why he doesn't just block my number or change his numbers.  I asked him if he blocked me earlier, and he said he had not.

Guys, I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I don't know how I let one guy I hardly knew get to me so much, but it happened, and I'm trying to make sense of it.  I wouldn't treat a dog like he's treated me the past week, and I let him know that, and I'm not sure if that sunk in or not.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

On the Edge

Guys, I am not sure how much longer I am going to be here if I don't get the legitimate help that I so desperately need.  I've struggled with some pretty severe, though non-diagnosed, depression for the better part of most of my life.  Well, I have tried to fight through that; I've struggled so mightily and worked so hard; and now I look back at all that fighting and working, and I realize that I feel worse now than I have ever before.  Basically, it's just to the point where I am fighting and not seeing any progress.  I am just tired. I am flat out exhausted, and I do not want to keep feeling this way.

A few weeks ago I started feeling pretty down, then I met the guy I mentioned last time that I was pretty excited about, he started ignoring me after a week of showing interest, and that just brought me crashing down even harder. This past weekend I sat at home alone, which felt like a month, and I saw the world through a dark lens that I had never experienced before.  I cried nonstop, having a complete breakdown, and finally I had had enough.  I went over to see if my grandpa had left his gun because I was ready to end the pain, even if it meant feeling nothing for eternity, but he had not.  I then had two choices: I could either find an alternate way of killing myself, or I could try one last ditch effort to try and get help.  Although I'm still regretting the choice I made at this very moment, I reached out to my grandma for help.

She came and picked me up, I had a complete meltdown in front of her, her husband, my aunt, uncle, and cousins, and I reached out on Facebook impulsively, hoping I could get any type of help.  Once again, feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself, I still regret doing that as well.  I am sick.  I have had a sick feeling deep down in my gut for the past three weeks, and it has progressively gotten worse.  What little hope I had grasped on to is fading so incredibly fast, and the final glimmer that I am grasping for was brought to my attention by a friend I have never even met in person - a doctor from California that reached out to me a couple years ago and seems to get my situation better than anybody else, myself included.  He was so worried about me on Sunday that he called me (we had never actually talked to each other on the phone before), and he told me that I need to get on anti-depressants to help with a chemical imbalance that I need to have corrected.

I have so much more to say, but I am even exhausted typing this right now.  I went to a counselor on Monday, and they are supposed to give me a referral to get the help I need, so that seems to be my last shot at being happy and continuing on with life.  If that doesn't work, I don't think anything will.  Help me, please!  I just want to be happy with myself; with who I see in the mirror; with how I feel internally; with my outside reflecting my heart.  I just want to be happy!

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

A Little Reflection

Has it really been half a year since I came out?  I really can't believe it has already been that long, but I am happy that I am finally able to live freer than I ever have before in my life.  That does not mean that life has been all sugar and rainbows since taking that enormous step, but I have done things that I was not sure was possible just earlier this year.

For starters, I have actually started talking to guys, and have actually hooked up with a couple... more on that in a few minutes.  Money man, who I blog about periodically, used to want some of my, um, lovin' usually about twice a month, but truthfully that has slowed down almost to a grinding halt.  Last month he texted me and asked me if I wanted to stay with him at a hotel room that he had rented, and wouldn't you fucking believe it that that was the one evening that I was at my little brother's football game in Pecos.

I had actually been wanting a piece from him for quite some time, and sadly had to turn down an offer that I really, really wanted.  Since then, he just seems to be kind of standoffish.  After not hearing from him for a couple more weeks, I texted him just asking what was up, and he didn't respond.  So, I was like, okay.  And then earlier today, probably about a month since we last saw each other, I texted again asking what was up, and he actually responded with his typical response, which is working.  He asked what I have been up to; I told him working also; and mentioned that it had been a while since we last chatted.  He still has not responded several hours later, so yeah, maybe I need to get a clue... I don't know.

Anyway, I met another guy this past weekend who I am really interested in getting to know.  We met on a dating website, he is actually from here lol, and he just seems like a great guy, not to mention he is very attractive.  So, he messages me on Friday, we seem to hit if off right off the bat, and then he suggests that we meet.

Me, being the chicken shit that I am with little self confidence, really surprised myself when I kind of agreed to meet him.  So, he asks if he can come see me; I actually say yes; and he pulls in across from my house a few minutes later.  Once again, we really seemed to hit it right off the bat in person, which was definitely a good feeling.  We felt each other out, got to know each other a little, and eventually ended up in the back seat of his car... 'nuff said.

So, the next day he texts and jokes that he thinks he's pregnant, so I am just happy that he's texting me with that type of attitude, making me believe that he is genuinely interested in me.  Later on in the day he texts again telling me to come over to his apartment, but once again I am at my little brother's football game.  So, later that night, he asks me again to come over, and I do.  I go over, his roommate is gone so it's just he and I, and we watch TV in his living room and cuddle.

I cannot begin to tell you have great it felt to hold him in my arms, but simply put, it felt amazing.  At one point, he turns to me while we are laying on his couch and tells me that I'm sweet, and kisses me on the cheek, and then gives me a peck on the lips.  He then gives me this stare, which I have come to adore, but am still trying to figure out it's full meaning.  We watch TV a little longer, but then, knowing that he has work in the morning, I tell him I should get going so he can get some sleep.

So, he goes to walk me to my truck, but before we get to his front door, he grabs me and just kisses me, tongue instantly in my mouth.  It was fucking pure magic.  We then walk outside, with his neighbors outside apparently partying, and head downstairs.  When we get to the bottom of the stairs, be grabs me again, pushes me against the wall, and we start making out again.  So, now we are walking toward my truck when I ask him what his neighbors might think.  His response:  I don't give a fuck.  Then, and you might have guessed it by now, but right there in the open, he grabs me and we make out a little more.  I am still trying to wipe the smile of my face a few days later.

Anyway, his week started off horribly at work so he hasn't been in an especially talkative mood since then, although he still texts with small talk, as do I.  I just hope there is more to come, as I am most definitely interested in getting to know him better.  Time will tell, but I am really hoping something comes out of my meeting with this guy.

I had actually planned on blogging about quite a bit more, but I just noticed how long this post was after gushing about my new buddy, so I will go ahead and get off of here.  I hope to blog again soon, but you never know what's up with me these days.  I am still struggling with certain things, and I hope God helps me with those, and I am looking forward to feeling a lot more of the good after enduring a lifetime of bad.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Family Reunion

Today was a pretty interesting day for me.  I had forgotten, but my family had had a sort of family reunion planned for today at the park, and while the old, depressed, and isolated me would have stayed home, I reluctantly decided to get out and try to have a little fun.  So, we decide to have a BBQ potluck picnic type thing at the park where the kids can play at the water park, and we get there and it is so freaking hot.  Being the light skinned white boy that I am, I just knew that I was going to cook.

But, interestingly enough, seemingly out of nowhere, a thunderstorm decides to roll through our area and pour some much needed rain on us.  We stayed for a little while as it sprinkled, but it got darker and darker, and eventually the rain and wind picked up, so we all headed to our great grandma's house, who happens to live right down the street.

It was actually a nice get together, but this is also the first time that I had seen a lot of this family since coming out as gay.  I could definitely tell that certain family members seemed uncomfortable - as was I - and the topic was simply never brought up, thank God.  But, as time went on, everybody (including me) seemed to become more and more comfortable, and before too long it was just like any other get together that we have had before.  I was definitely relieved to not feel shunned by some of that part of my family, even if I could tell that some were probably uncomfortable with the fact.

Anyway, it has actually rained pretty much most of the day, which is pretty rare around here.  We're right smack dab in the middle of a desert, so we get pretty excited when we see a little moisture.  As my family pointed out, I guess we need to start planning more outdoor get togethers in order to attract the rain more often.

I also got a kind of weird and unexpected Facebook friend request today from a brother of a family friend.  I think I have mentioned on here before about my aunt's friend who has a gay brother, but I am not totally sure if I have.  Anyway, he sent me a friend request, apparently learning that I was gay.  We made some small talk, and eventually swapped numbers and texted for a large part of the day.   It was just kind of nice to chat with somebody I actually know personally who can relate to me quite a bit when it comes to my sexuality.  Don't get the wrong impression, though.  He's definitely not my type lol.

So, guys, with that I guess I'll go ahead and wrap this post up.  I put on sunblock before leaving earlier and feel gross and greasy, so I think I'm going to jump in the shower before watching a little TV.  Hope to blog again soon.