Wednesday, July 30, 2014

A New Beginning

It has been a little over two months since I came out to my family, and while the changes have not been as dramatic as I had expected, the relief is beyond refreshing.  Many people think that the moment you come out, then suddenly everything is perfect, but that's not really how it works.  Don't get me wrong - I am happier now than I have been in a very, very long time - but I know that my brightest and best moments are still ahead of me.  They say that life is full of ups and downs, and having experienced nothing but downs for so long now, I hope there are many more highs from here on out.  For some reason, I think that may well be my case.  Hopefully the low times are a thing of the past, and maybe I'll finally get out and start living a little.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Maybe Not...

So, million dollar man may have been too good to be true.  I don't know... the first several days after we hooked up, he texted me like crazy, inviting me over and joking around with me.  Then, about a week ago it basically slowed down quite a bit.  I even sent him a text a couple of times, to which he kind of just said that he had been busy, and left it at that.

Now it's going on five days, and I haven't heard from him at all.  I don't mean to sound like a creep or anything, but I am just a little confused as to why he would be constantly texting me all the time, even several days after we hooked up, only to stop texting completely cold.

Maybe he is legitimately busy.  I could see that considering the work he does, not to mention the fact that he's going through a divorce, but me being me somehow always manages to take the glass half empty view, and am thinking that he was disappointed after meeting me.

 I know I shouldn't beat myself up like that, and I'm working on making progress in that regard, but I guess it just takes a little time to fully grow out of the nasty cycle of self-criticism and self-doubt.

Oh well.  As much as I would like for him to text, I'll just have to go about my business and do my own thing.  I can't wait around on pins and needles, especially after just one hookup, so I'll keep truckin' on to see what else life has to offer me.  What I am coming to find out is that the exciting stuff is not going to come home to my door to lure me out to the real world - I have to get out and try new things in order for that to even be possible.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Million Dollar Man

So, I started talking with a new guy last week, meaning Lubbock physical therapist guy is pretty much out of the picture.  He sent me a message a few days ago apologizing and asking if I still wanted to meet him, to which I replied by saying that I would not be opposed to meeting him, but that at the same time I wasn't looking for anything serious because I'm only 25 and just came out of the closet.  In other words, I basically told him that I have a little living to do before settling down with anybody.  His response:  "Okay.  Good luck."  I couldn't help but laugh at that, as apparently that guy was already making marriage plans to a man he had not even met yet.  Like I said before in prior posts, the guy seemed like a good guy, but the age difference and signs of him potentially being controlling turned me off pretty quickly.

Getting to the new, mystery man, it was actually kind of exciting how we met.  Much like I meet most guys so far, I met him on the dating website, but this one is living in my hometown, is 33, and I am really attracted to him.  Anyway, we made a little small talk, exchanged numbers, and started texting last weekend.  He cut to the chase pretty quickly, and let me know that he wanted to hook up.  Being the shy guy I am, I was hesitant as always, but things started getting interesting as we continued texting.  Out of the blue, and seemingly out of desperation, he offers me $200 to fuck him.  I responded to him by saying I wasn't a hooker, to which he said he didn't mean it like that.  He said it was kind of exciting, he had never done anything like that before, and that if it made me feel any better, I could claim that I was being paid for my friendship and not the sex lol.

I was still hesitant, and I sure as hell wasn't going to act as any type of prostitute, but he goes on, joking about negotiating with him, asking me what it would take to meet and hookup with him.  I kept on beating around the bush, but this guy's offer got up to $600 before I kinda cut off his negotiating.  I told him he was crazy to be throwing around that kind of money for one night of companionship, and I asked him where he worked to be comfortable offering that kind of money.  He said he worked in the oilfield, was going to be retiring next year, and was a trust fund baby anyway.  This revelation really surprised me, but as I told him, I was not looking to be paid for sex.

As it turns out, apparently this guy's family is extremely rich, with him being a multi-millionaire himself.  As we started to get more comfortable texting each other, at one point he asked me if he could be cocky for a second.  Being turned on by cocky guys, I told him to go ahead.  This is when he told me that if I were to screw him, I could say that I fucked a multi-millionaire.  In all honesty, though, I was (and still am) attracted to him because of his looks and personality, not necessarily his money.  Having said that, hey, who is opposed to dating a guy with a fat wallet and ginormous bank account?  That could only be a bonus, right?

Anyway, by Monday evening he is still really pushing to hookup, I'm still being cautious and hesitant, and finally I tell him something along the lines of thanks, but goodnight.  He shot back with once I came out of my shell to give him a holler, and maybe we could do something then.  So, I laid in bed for a little while when it suddenly hit me.  I haven't done anything crazy and spontaneous in a very, very long time.  So, without even thinking, I send him a text saying fuck it, and asking if he'd come pick me up.  He said sure, and next thing I know I see one of those big, new, fancy pickup trucks pull in across the street from me in the vacant lot.  I had so many butterflies, but I went outside at 11:30 pm, walked over to his truck, opened the door, and hopped in next to him.

I could not believe what I was doing, but surprisingly the butterflies went away pretty quickly, this probably having a lot to do with how comfortable he made me feel.  This guy has a wonderful smile, one that made me blush every time he flashed it at me, and as we made our way to his apartment on the nice side of town lol, we got to know each other a little better.  As it turns out, he has always considered himself bi, although he said that he thinks he is about to go full gay; he is married and going through a pretty nasty divorce right now, his ex and her family trying to blackmail him for money; he has four kids; and then came the nonchalant money talk.

I honestly do not think he was trying to be flashy or showy in the way he talked simply because of the way he talked so naturally and normally, but it wasn't long before he was talking about all his cars back in Colorado, how he bought his son (who he hardly sees) a $60,000 car for his 16th birthday, and how his ex is still riding around where they lived together in the $98,000 Escalade he bought for her.  I brought up how she was probably taking him for a big chunk of his money through the divorce, to which he laughed and said she signed a pre-nup.  We continued on with the talk, me making it very clear that I came from a very poor background, and we just really seemed to click.

At last, we finally pull up to his apartment complex, which are some of the best in the city.  Before going in he apologizes for taking me to this "shack", which made me laugh as I pointed out that I didn't know what it was like to be staying on the rich part of town.  So, we go in, go to the bedroom, he lays there, and he tells me to join him to relax and watch a little TV.  All the butterflies that had left earlier were suddenly back in full force, but I stiffly (no pun intended) laid next to him, and he could definitely feel my unease.  He flashed his gorgeous smile once again, took my hand and arm, told me to relax, and told me to snuggle with him.  I did, and all the tension instantly melted away, me burying my face in his back, and oh my God, that manly smell just about took me to heaven.

Without going into too much detail, let's just leave it by saying that we had a good couple of hours of fun and company.  And, man, that body was simply spectacular, he being on the tall, slimmer side, but his body being ripped and solid where it needed to be.  That chest, arms, legs, and ass were simply stunning, but I digress lol.

I just thought I would share my experience on here as it was a really good time for me in my getting out and about process, and what better way than to start it by having hot sex with a cute multi-millionaire?  It definitely could have been much worse, let me tell ya ;).  And, by the way, no, I did not take the money he offered me, even though he made it crystal clear on my way back home that he would stop at an ATM and get me my cash.  Although I definitely could have used the money, like I said before, I am not a fucking hooker, plus the smile he helped put on my face made the adventure more than worth it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I don't get...

why some gay guys are so controlling.  My bizarre relationship with my ex ended because of his controlling and paranoid ways, and despite the fact that our relationship has been over for well over a month now, he still manages to continue on with the mind games.  As I explained in my previous post, I thought we had apologized and moved on for good pertaining to one another, but today I noticed he was viewing my profile yet again.  Even though I shouldn't have, curiosity got the better of me, so I clicked on his profile too to see what was up.  I know, I know... big mistake, I just need to move on and ignore him.  So, a few minutes later he messages me and asks why I'm checking up on him.  I told him I was just seeing why he was checking up on me, to which he replies by asking if I was warning people about him.  I asked him why I would do that, and he responds with I need to stop "following" him because we both agreed that it was over.  I ended that conversation by pointing out that I was not following him, and that if he left me alone, then I would leave him alone.  Truth be told, he has been stalking my dating profile ever since we broke up over a month ago, but I did not bring that up to him.  I now legitimately believe he has some serious mental issues, so I will do my absolute best to not be in contact with him any longer.  I now realize that logic does not apply in his distorted, selfish version of the world, and I actually kind of feel bad for him, but I cannot let my own selfishness lead me back to that unhealthy situation.

Moving on.  I met a 38 year old physical therapist from Lubbock not long after I came out of the closet on this same dating website, and we have been texting ever since.  We've been talking about meeting and going on a date, despite the fact that he is out of my personal ages range, but a bunch of red flags have risen over the past week or so.  He sees that I am still on this gay dating website, so he asked me why I am on there all the time.  I told him that I have friends on there, but in the back of my mind I was beating myself up for even answering to this guy who I have not even met yet, and who is most certainly not my boyfriend.  So, he starts being sarcastic and really paranoid by constantly sending me messages while I am on there, telling me he misses me and calling me honey.  I'm thinking, how in the hell can you miss me when we have never even met?  And, if you are being this controlling when we are not even in any type of relationship, how in the hell would that be if we ever were to start dating?  Well, I pretty much made sure that question would not have to be answered today by telling him that I was creeped out by how he was acting, telling him it reminded me of my ex, and ultimately telling him that I wish him nothing but the best.  I think that last statement was one of finality, but we will see.  The guy seems nice, which is why I was even chatting with him, but seeing him act like this pretty much put an end to any possibility of even wanting to meet the guy.

My point in this post is a question that is now continually running through my head:  Why are so many gay guys seemingly controlling?  I know it is not fair to generalize, especially with such a small sample from an apparently weird dating site, but I have actually heard this from a couple of my gay buddies about gay guys in general.  Truthfully, I just want to get out and start exploring the gay world in person, but that is easier said than done considering how isolated I have made myself since being in the closet.  Not only that, but I am even more isolated in a community like west Texas, where we literally have one gay bar in a city of probably 200,000 people.  I do not know how to fully explore the gay community in such a suffocating social atmosphere.

I just want to start dating a little... not looking for anything serious, but would not be opposed to it should I find the right guy.  I just want to have some of the fun I missed out on throughout my teen years, and throughout my twenties thus far.  I will not be a young guy forever... hell, I'm about to be 25, so I need to get it out of my system before I start getting too old.  There's just so much shit that I need to sort and figure out regarding my life, and I need to do it very soon.  I have really surprised myself by meeting my personal goals pertaining to coming out, so now I need to start living, make some friends, go out on some actual dates instead of this online shit, and just have a good fuck.  Sorry for that last one, but it's true lol.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Return of the Ex

Hey guys.  So, as you can tell, my ex popped back up yesterday (well actually late last night) on the website where we met, and apologized and begged profusely for me to give him another chance.  Before getting to the details of how that went, one of the weird things about this is that I actually had a bizarre dream about him the night before he reached out to me.  In this dream, I went to Britain with my uncle (who I'm not terribly close with), and we were at some kind of weird hotel that seemed kid themed.  My uncle was sitting at a bench next to an indoor playground type thing, and as I walked up to join him, there sitting at a bench right next to him was my ex.  I remember saying, "Hey psycho" to him, and that's really the last I remember of the dream.  I have some pretty crazy dreams, so I did not think too much of this one.

Moving on to last night, as I usually do, I was surfing the web with the gay site opened in another tab, and I believe it was around 8:30 or 9:00 pm when I decided to check up on the site.  I've met a couple of guys I consider friends on there so I like to keep up with them, and to be entirely honest, yeah, I've used the site to have a little fun with some good looking guys.  So, I go to check on the site, and am really surprised to see that my ex is viewing my profile at that very moment.  The fact that he was checking it out wasn't so surprising, as he has done that periodically since we've split up, but the time is what really surprised me.  UK times is six hours ahead of where I live, so it was 2:30 or 3:00 am as he was checking me out.  Being that late, I was pretty sure he was drunk, and then I was really taken back when the little blue number one popped up above new messages.  I knew it was him, but I was hesitant to open the message for so many reasons.  I did not want to travel back down all the pain and depression I've been enduring through since he shattered me over a month ago, but of course I opened the message.

He apologized repeatedly, even after I told him I didn't want apologies, and then he told me how he realized how much he missed and loved me since we had broken up.  I'm not going to lie... I had been wanting this moment for a while, and even though I told everybody that there was no chance I would give him the time of day and take him back, I actually gave him a chance to explain himself.  Needless to say, that did not happen last night.  All he did was repeatedly apologize, tell me he loved me, and ask me to take him back, to which I replied I was sorry for what I said too, I did love him at one point, but I did not know how I could ever trust him again after he did me that way.  We agreed to sleep on it and pick up where we left off today.

So, at around five thirty this morning I get a message from him.  My ass is not getting up that early to chat, so I answer him when I do wake up, and once again he apologizes and asks me to take him back.  I can always tell when he is sober because he is more to the point, and doesn't beg quite as much.  I asked him a few questions, with the most important being how could he do me like he did.  He said, very vaguely, that he was going through stuff at the time, and is still going through stuff right now.  As many know, alcohol sometimes leads to a little too much honesty, and the night before he had told me that part of the reason was because his ex had been told by one of his sisters that he was talking to me, had become jealous, so that's why he broke it off, or at least was one of the reasons.  So, I decided to push him further on that today.

I asked him if he had been seeing his ex the entire time we had been talking, and which sister had told him about us.  He comes back by claiming he never cheated on me at all, and that he did not tell me that his ex knew about us.  Obviously, I knew different, and I called him out on it, and told him that that's what he told me last night.  He said, "I don't remember saying that, but if I did I did."  I was like, what the fuck does that mean? So, I decided to ask him another question: If that was not the reason you broke up with me, then what was?  He takes a while to answer, but replies simply with, "I already told you why, and I'm not going to explain myself to you any further."

That was all I needed to know to be positive that this guy had not changed at all.  Not only were there inconsistencies in the answers that I did receive, but there was also the glaring fact that he still did not want to be 100% honest with me.  So, to paraphrase what I said next, I basically told him that I truly did love him; he was my first love; I never lied to him; and I was devastated when he did me the way he did.  I told him that I just could not take the chance of being hurt like that again, that we both deserve to be happy, that I was sorry for everything mean I said to him during our fight, and that I wished him nothing but the best moving on.

There was a last ditch attempt on his part to try and change my mind, but I think he finally got the message, as eventually he told me he hopes that I am happy in life, he was sorry, and that he really does love me.  We then said our goodbyes, and that was that.  All I can say is that I am proud of myself for not allowing myself to be sucked back in to a potentially unhealthy situation; I am so relieved and happy that I apologized for everything I said to him; and I truly do wish him nothing but the best.  No matter what we said to each other during our breakup, I don't care what anybody says - we did love each other.  I do not want to see him suffer, and I hope he finds the right guy in life to make him as happy as he deserves to be.  I am still putting together the pieces of my heart that he shattered a little over a month ago, and I just could not take another chance of having it obliterated for good.  Goodbye Luke.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Old Dudes

It doesn't feel like it, but it has already almost been a month since I came out to my family as gay.  I could go on and on with the cliches about how liberating it was and is, but since that is already a given, I will spare you from my rambling on that topic.  Instead, I'll ramble on about the guys that I seem to attract for whatever reason, which is a bunch of old dudes.

Okay, truthfully I'm not sure if it is fair to really generalize there, as I have only exposed myself to online dating/chatting thus far, but old guys definitely gravitate toward me, and when I say old, there are some men who are literally in their seventies and eighties.

 And, let me tell you, these guys do not beat around the bush... they jump right on in and want to talk dirty and share dirty pics (excuse me as I just got a little nauseous).  To put it bluntly, I am not interested whatsoever in old men.  I do not care if you are nice; I do not want to hear sob stories of you being lonely; and I especially do not care if you are well off financially.  I'm not a therapist, and I am certainly not looking for a sugar daddy, so if you want to talk in a friendly manner that is perfectly fine, but the minute you start getting crude, the conversation on my end comes to an abrupt end.  I respect my elders, but I am not interested in guys who are literally my parents' age, let alone those guys who are as old or older than my grandparents.

Since I am on the topic of age, I thought it would be relevant to describe just which guys I am attracted to, not only when it comes to age, but when it comes to other attributes as well.  As far as age is concerned, I would say that my range is pretty set on 21 through 35, though I am a tad bit flexible at both ends if the guy is right.  In fact, I am actually talking to a thirty-eight year old physical therapist right now (nothing serious) who is from a town just a couple hours away from me, and if that moves in a more serious direction, then I will cautiously allow that progress.  Truthfully, though, I would rather meet a guy who is closer to my age.

So, other attributes?  Hmmm, let's see here.  Firstly, let me make it perfectly clear that I am not anything special, so my personal preferences are in no way a reflection of any vain perception of myself.  But, I do like white boys, and I also really find myself turned on by Latinos.  Hell, I also like Europeans, as I find their accents incredibly sexy.

Body types are kind of funny as my body is far from perfect.  A lot of guys see my profile pic on this dating site where I inadvertently had exercise equipment in the background, and assume that I have a nice, ripped body.  Sorry to disappoint, but I do not, though I am working on certain areas that I would love to improve.  Just a couple of years ago, I used to be a fatty.  I'm talking six foot tall and 260 pounds.  I was miserable, even though I did not know just how fat I was at the time until looking back at pictures.  I finally had had enough of looking at that in the mirror and in pictures, so I did something about it.  I started a strict low carb diet, and I've been on it for over two years now.  I have lost something like 75 or 80 pounds, and I'm in the best shape I've been in since I was in my early teen years.  That said, my body is still not ripped.  I'm still working on my core, which has proven to be most stubborn, which is not fat, but just isn't flat yet either.

So, my point here being is that, while I am certainly attracted to guys with six pack abs, I do not expect my boyfriend or date to have them.  I don't mind a little extra meat, because I still have a little extra myself.  But, I am not looking for guys who are on either extremes of the weight spectrum either.  If I could not even like myself when I was overweight, I just do not see how I could find myself attracted to other guys who are very heavy.  I hope that doesn't sound wrong...

Finally, we come to personality.  Yeah, I have a weird personality for sure.  I've been told I'm boring; I've been told I have an old soul; I've been told I'm sweet; I've been told I'm smart; I've even had a couple of smart ass little cousins call me awkward.  I just call me me, and honestly some people who have given me these labels are basing them off what they have seen in the little time that I have been around them, not to mention the fact that I have not been able to truly be my full self until about a month ago.

 I am smart, I am a little quirky, and I am even a little shy.  But, at the same time, I do have a sense of humor, contrary to what some may believe Lol.  I also have common sense, and that is pretty much what I look for in a guy as well... a guy who has a brain (doesn't have to be a brainiac), a sense of humor, a heart, and common sense.  Is that asking too much?  Probably, but hey, that's what I'm looking for anyway.  I may be searching for a while, but God has always had my back, so I fully believe I will meet Mr. Right eventually.

Anyway, in conclusion, old dudes please do not message me wanting any type of romantic relationship.  I am more than happy to be your friend, but I do not want you to gum my cock, or for me to lick your balls off the floor. ;)  Sorry, I couldn't resist there.  Have a great weekend, guys!  Not sure how much I will blog from here on out since I am no longer imprisoned in the closet, but as significant (or not so significant) life events start happening for me, I just might drop in from time to time to drop a line.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Give it to God

5/21/14 - the date that I was freed from the closet; a day that I have been waiting for my entire life; and the day where my life at last began.  Earlier this week, as those of you know who have read my blog, I wrote a post that was extremely dark after my boyfriend broke up with me over seemingly nothing.  I had not felt that horrible in some time.  I was just getting to a point where I was starting to build up a little self confidence; I was finally able to believe that maybe it was possible for somebody to actually love me; and I felt that I had met a guy that simply loved me for me.  As we all know, that came crashing down on me, hard and heavy. I went to bed that night with some very dark thoughts, but as I do every night before I go to sleep, I said a little prayer, even though I did not really feel like doing anything except giving up.

The next day I woke up and felt even worse.  I stood in the shower getting ready for work, letting the hot water do its best to wash away my worries.  Once again, so many negative thoughts flooded my mind.  But, once again, as I do every day, I started my morning off with a prayer to God... only this one was a little bit different.  Instead of asking God for all of the things I thought I needed, all I asked for when it came to myself was for God to take my hand and lead me down the right path.  As I told Him, I put all my faith and trust in You in every aspect of my life.  Later that day, the process began... the closet door was pried open... and I received my first good glimpse of what the other side looked like.

You see, I had posted on Facebook that I was feeling pretty low, something that I have never done before.  I had never asked for help, and I was stunned by all of the responses from family that I received.  Eventually, one of my aunts asked me what was wrong, and told me that she would love me no matter what, which was eerily similar to what my grandmother had told me a year before when I revealed to her that I was gay.

 I knew what I had to do.  I told her that I was gay, and as I said before, the process began.  Most of my family, just two days later, know that I am gay, and I have not had a single negative response thus far.  I have been offered nothing but love and support, surprisingly from some of the people who I feared would take the news most negatively.  From my religious aunt who has already offered to hook me up with some of her "hot gay friends", to my aunt's devoutly Muslim boyfriend who offered nothing but encouragement, I have been stunned by the outpouring of support offered by those who I have isolated myself for oh so long.

With all of the positive happenings that have overwhelmed me in the past couple of days, I know that this is just the beginning.  I know everything will not be rainbows and sunshine; I know I still have work to do when it comes to loving myself; I know that there will ultimately be troubles when it comes to certain people pertaining to my sexuality; and I know that life will still be life, with its ups and downs, no matter if I am gay or straight.

But, what I know above all else is this:  I am finally free.  Jesus took my hand, and led me from my prison.  He gave my life its legitimate direction, and he offered me a new starting point.  Now it is time for me to take advantage of this incredibly precious gift.  It is time for me to finally start being me, and as I told my stepmom a few hours ago, I have a lot of catching up to do, as I have missed so much enduring through an internal and seemingly eternal hell that my lord and savior rescued me from.